What Does the Bible Really Say About Divorce?

Today, I am addressing a lie that keeps Christian women (and men) in toxic abusive marriages far too long.  So many women come to me after decades of a toxic marriage because they have been told that “God hates divorce” or “divorce is a sin” or “you can’t divorce unless the other side committed adultery.” By the time they come to me for help, they are a shell – the walking wounded.

But what does the Bible really say about divorce? Does God really sentence his daughters to a lifetime of abuse? Or does He love them enough to provide a way out when someone is intent on destroying a spouse? What is the heart of God?

God Provided Divorce As a Remedy for Sin

God provided remedies for sin in the Old Testament laws. Remedies are consequences imposed on someone due to his or her sinful actions. Remedies to sin are not to be applied in the absence of the offending and sinful behavior. We don’t put people in jail when they have done nothing wrong. And remedies are commensurate with the wrongful behavior. We don’t put people in jail for a parking ticket.

The remedy for unrepentant sin and a hardened heart toward one’s spouse was divorce (Deuteronomy 24:1; Matthew 19:8–9). Like other remedies to sin, divorce is only applied when there is no other way for justice to prevail. It is God’s gracious way to allow someone who is no longer loved and whose spouse’s heart is set against her to remove herself from an unhealthy, sinful, abusive relationship.

John Calvin said that God “did not lay down a law about divorces, so as to give them the seal of his approbation, but as the wickedness of men could not be restrained in any other way, he applied what was the most admissible remedy.” As one ministry eloquently put it, “Many of God’s laws are concessions to contain the effects of sin, and we should be grateful that in His grace the Lord seeks to mitigate the damaging power of evil. May our own words and deeds be so pure that their effects never need to be contained.”[1]

Mosaic Law Allowed for Divorce When Certain Requirements Were Met to Protect Women

In biblical times, women were completely dependent upon a husband for support. There were no job opportunities. A woman needed a husband to survive. Therefore, to protect women in destructive relationships, Mosaic law allowed a man to divorce his wife, upon meeting certain requirements, so that she could remarry. First, he was required to find something “indecent” or “shameful” about her for the reason for divorce. Second, he was required to give her an official written certificate of divorce so that she had evidence of the legal termination of the marriage covenant and could remarry without false accusations of adultery.  Third, after she received the written divorce certificate, he was required to physically send her away from his house. He could not keep her in his house after they divorced, as this would essentially be keeping her prisoner without the ability to remarry. And he could not simply leave her or send her away without a written divorce certificate, because if she did not have a certificate of divorce, she was still legally married and could not remarry or have any way to support herself.

Deuteronomy 24:1 states the Mosaic law governing divorce. The relevant original Hebrew root words are indicated in brackets:

If a man marries a woman, but she becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent [ervah] about her, he may write her a divorce [kerithuth] certificate [sepher], hand it to her, and send her away [salach] from his house.

The Hebrew word ervah implies something naked, shameful, immodest, or sexually unethical. The Hebrew word kerithuth is an official, written divorce certificate that indicates the marriage covenant is permanently severed. The Hebrew word sepher refers to a written document or certificate. The Hebrew word salach refers to casting someone away, leaving them, and sending them off.[2]

It is worth noting that in the time of the Old Testament, only a man could divorce a wife, not the other way around. Women were viewed as under the authority of, first, their father, and then their husband. Adultery was seen as a violation of a man’s right to sexual relations with his wife, not a woman’s right to her husband. A man could have more than one wife, but a woman could only have one husband. While God’s original design, as revealed in Ephesians 5, was for one man and one woman to cherish, support, and honor each other, after The Fall, relationships fell into sinful patterns and became broken. Mosaic laws were an accommodation to the culture of the ancient Near East and to the brokenness and conflict brought on by disobedience of Adam and Eve in Genesis 3.

In Malachi, God Upholds Mosaic Law and Disapproves of Violence, Treachery, and Unfaithfulness to Wives

Many Christians believe they must stay in an abusive marriage because they have been told that the Bible states, “God hates divorce.” This is a misunderstanding of the Bible taken out of context. Malachi 2:16 has long been misused to keep women in bondage to a toxic husband. When we examine all of Malachi 2, we actually find that God is admonishing men for acting treacherously to their wives by being unfaithful, by being unkind, by failing to protect them, by failing to raise godly children, by not putting God first in body and spirit, and by sending their wives away without an official written certificate of divorce.

Like much of the Bible, context and the original language is needed to properly understand this text. At the time of Malachi, around 460 to 420 B.C., Israel had once again fallen into sin, although outwardly they claimed to follow God. The men were not following Mosaic law. They were betraying their wives, not raising godly children, and sending their wives away without an official written certificate of divorce. As a result, the wives were unable to remarry or support themselves. God strongly disapproved.

The passage, with the original Hebrew root words in brackets, is below:

And this is another thing you do: you cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning, because He no longer respects your offerings or receives them gladly from your hands. Yet you ask, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have acted treacherously [bagad] against her, though she was your marriage partner and your wife by covenant.  Didn’t the one God make us with a remnant of His life-breath? And what does the One seek? A godly offspring. So watch yourselves carefully, and do not act treacherously [bagad] against the wife of your youth. Malachi 2:13-15 HCSB

 “ ‘The man who hates and divorces [salach] his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence [chamas] to the one he should protect’ says the Lord Almighty.” Malachi 2:16 NIV

The Hebrew word bagad means to act treacherously, deceitfully, unfaithfully, and to betray.  The Hebrew word salach refers to casting someone away, leaving them, and sending them off. The Hebrew word chamas refers to cruelty, damage, injustice, oppression, wrongdoing, maliciousness, ruthlessness, oppression, violence and generally a breakdown of shalom that God intended for us.

Those who use this passage to keep women in abusive relationships ignore the entire context from verse 10 to 16.  Properly viewed, this passage states that God is witness to the marriage vows, He is witness to how a man treats his wife, He is witness to a man’s spiritual and physical unfaithfulness, deceitfulness, betrayal, and treachery to his wife.  It further commands that a man has a duty to protect his wife and raise godly children and not deal treacherously with her. Therefore, when a man leaves his wife without giving her an official written certificate of divorce as required by Mosaic law, he is guilty of teachery, cruelty, maliciousness, great damage, ruthlessness, and oppression. This is incredibly abusive and hateful because without a written divorce certificate, he is not protecting her as he is required to do; she is still legally married to him and unable to remarry another for protection and provision. Therefore, she is forced to choose between starvation or prostitution to survive. The passage ends with a command to men to be faithful to their wives.  Based on the context, we know this means being spiritually faithful (that is, to be kind and of one spirit) and physically faithful (that is, to refrain from sexual sin).

In short, the passage admonishes men to raise godly children and treat their wives well, not treacherously.  It does not prohibit divorce, rather, it prohibits a man from leaving his wife without an official certificate of divorce, as required by Mosaic law.  And it condemns a man who betrays his wife and treats her cruelly and abusively.

Unfortunately, by referring to leaving a spouse as “divorce,” modern translations do not pick up the nuance between simply leaving a wife (one portion of the divorce process required by Mosaic law) and leaving a wife with a written certificate of divorce (the requirements of Mosaic law). This mistranslation has caused many women to stay in toxic relationships far longer than God ever intended.

We would be wise to glean the proper lesson from this passage in Malachi taken in context with the entire Bible. To be sure, God’s heart hurts when His children divorce, either with or without a divorce certificate, for the same reasons no one else likes divorce: because divorce is the result of horrific unrepentant sin that rips apart a family, it is wounding and painful, it leaves emotional scars that may never heal, and it often leaves people financially devastated, especially the women and children.   But more importantly, God hates the cruelty, treachery, deceitfulness, violence, unfaithfulness, injustice, pride, haughtiness, lies, scheming, dissension, hate, perverseness, sexual immorality, idolatry, jealousy, rage, selfishness, envy, impurity, immorality, greed, and other sins that are the characteristics of a toxic person and are the very reasons for divorce from a person who chooses to abuse. Thankfully, God has given us divorce as a remedy and way out of an abusive marriage.

Jesus Upholds Mosaic Law and Settles Dispute Among the Pharisees

In Matthew 19, Jesus was asked to solve an ongoing first century philosophical dispute among the Pharisees between the House of Hillel and the House of Shammai on the interpretation of Deuteronomy 24:1 regarding (1) the definition of “indecency” as a valid cause for divorce, and (2) whether divorce for indecency was allowed or commanded.  The House of Hillel interpreted the term “indecency” liberally, and held that divorce for any reason whatsoever was allowed, even for trivial reasons, such as a wife’s bad cooking or burning the toast. The House of Shammai claimed that “indecency” meant adultery, and claimed that divorce was commanded for adultery.

The following is the conversation with the relevant original root Greek words in brackets:

Some Pharisees came to him. In order to test him, they said, “Does the Law allow a man to divorce [apoluo] his wife for just any reason?”

Jesus answered, “Haven’t you read that at the beginning [arche] the creator made them male and female? And God said, ‘Because of this a man should leave his father and mother and be joined together with his wife, and the two will be one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore, humans must not pull apart what God has put together.”

The Pharisees said to him, “Then why did Moses command us to give a divorce [apostasion] certificate [biblion] and divorce [apoluo] her?”

Jesus replied, “Moses allowed you to divorce [apoluo] your wives because your hearts are unyielding [sklerokardia]. But it wasn’t that way from the beginning [arche]. I say to you that whoever divorces his wife [apoluo], except for sexual unfaithfulness [porneia], and marries another woman commits adultery [moichao].” (Matthew 19:3-9 CEB)

The Greek word apoluo has the same meaning as the Hebrew word salach, that is, to send away or discharge.  The Greek word arche refers to the beginning of the earth before the Fall. The Greek word apostasion has the same meaning as the Hebrew word kerithuth, which means an official termination of a marital covenant with a written certificate. The Greek word biblion has the same meaning as the Hebrew word sepher, meaning a writing, scroll, or certificate. The Greek work sklerokardia refers to hardness of heart, rejection of God, evil, and refusing to be receptive to and obedient to the Holy Spirit. The Greek word porneia  includes all forms of illicit sex, including sodomy, incest, prostitution, bestiality, marital rape, pornography, defiling one’s spouse or children by subjecting them to viewing pornography or recreating it. The Greek word moichao means adultery.

In other words, with the proper Greek translations, the Pharisees asked Jesus if a man could leave his wife and send her away (without a written certificate of official divorce) for any reason. Jesus rebuked both Hillel and Shammai in his answer, stating that the starting point for a discussion on marriage must be God’s original design as a lifelong bond between a husband and wife (Genesis 2:24). He elevates women and dispels the ancient Near East notion that a woman is the property of her husband, reminding them that God’s design for marriage was for a man and woman to live together as one in unity physically and in spirit.  Jesus rebuked them for looking for “approved” reasons to leave their wives and weasel out of a marriage, rather than focusing on the purpose of marriage.

The Pharisees then doubled down and asked why Moses commanded a man to give his wife a written certificate of divorce and send her away.  Jesus addressed the difference between simply “sending a spouse away” (apoluo) and giving a “written certificate of divorce” (apostacion biblion) which legally terminated the marriage. He also addressed the difference between divorce being “allowed” and divorce being “commanded.”

Jesus responded that Deuteronomy 24 did not command a man to leave his wife for either adultery or any trivial reason, but allowed it because of men’s rejection of God resulting in hard-heartedness and unrepentant sin.  That is, Jesus affirmed that Mosaic law allowed a man to send away his wife (but required a written certificate of divorce if a divorce was chosen) as a remedy for rejecting God and unrepentant sin between spouses. However, Jesus stated that this was not God’s ideal plan and it was not that way in the beginning before the Fall when sin entered the world. He further condemned Hillel’s claim that any trivial reason for leaving and sending away a wife is valid, and condemned Shammai’s claim that leaving and sending away a wife was commanded for adultery, as the only valid ground for divorce.

Addressing the specific request for a definition of the word “indecency” in Deuteronomy, and using the Greek word porneia, Jesus stated that sexual immorality (i.e. porneia), of all forms (not just adultery) is a legitimate ground for divorce. This is in line with his Sermon on the Mount where he stated that even looking at a woman with lust was the same as adultery (Matthew 5: 27-28).

However, Jesus did not condemn other grounds of divorce found in Exodus 21:7-11  – namely, failure to provide food, clothing, physical intimacy, and living together in peace – because these firmly established grounds for divorce were not up for debate.

Further, Jesus condemned the common practice of a husband merely leaving his wife and sending her away without a written certificate of divorce. He stated that when a man does this, unless he does so because of sexual immorality, the man who leaves his wife without giving her a divorce certificate will commit adultery if he remarries because without a written document that their marriage was legally terminated, they are still bound by the marriage covenant.  Accordingly, for all reasons other than sexual immorality, Jesus upheld Mosaic law, which required a written certificate of divorce if a man wanted to divorce his wife so that there was written documentation of the legal termination of the marriage covenant and both the husband and his wife could then lawfully remarry. Notably, Jesus never condemns the innocent victim of wrongful divorce. He doesn’t condemn the wife who has been the target of her husband’s hard heart and sin. Nor does he condemn her of adultery if she remarries. The blame is entirely on the husband who wrongfully sends her away without a certificate of divorce.

It is also important to note that under Mosaic law the punishment for adultery was stoning to death (Leviticus 20:10; Deuteronomy 22:22). However, the adultery had to be personally witnessed by two or three eye witnesses before capital punishment could be inflicted (Deuteronomy 17:6; 19:15). Accordingly, if a wife was caught in the act of adultery by two witnesses, she could be stoned, and the question of whether divorce was commanded due to adultery would be unnecessary. Thus, Jesus saw through the ridiculousness of the question by the House of Shammai and called them out.

However, it also seems unlikely that a couple would be caught in the act by at least two witnesses. (Who is actually looking through a bedroom window to see this?) So, if a husband merely accused a wife of adultery and did not have at least two eyewitnesses, she could not be stoned. Accordingly, Jesus’ answer that sending a wife away without a written divorce certificate was allowed for sexual immorality permitted a non-lethal termination of the marriage when a man alleged some form of illicit sex or adultery but was unable to prove it by two witnesses. Further, it is likely that Jesus did not require a written certificate of divorce when sexual immorality was involved because that, in and of itself, by either party, was a termination of the marriage covenant. Thus, remarrying under those circumstances would not be adultery because the prior marriage covenant would have already been legally terminated.

Many people incorrectly interpret Jesus’ answer as allowing divorce only for adultery. In fact, Jesus allows divorce for “sexual immorality” of either partner, which includes, for example, pornography, sex addiction, coerced sex, rape (i.e. non-consensual sex), sexual deviance and perversions, and other forms of sexual behaviors that do not reflect a respectful, caring, cherishing, physical act of love with one’s spouse.

In addition, Jesus confirms that divorce is also allowed as a gracious remedy for hardness of heart, that is, when a spouse’s heart has rejected God and their spouse, and has engaged in unrepentant sin against their spouse. However, a spouse cannot just walk away, leaving an innocent spouse still legally married.  A certificate of divorce is required to legally terminate the marriage.

In modern times, both men and women can initiate a divorce in the United States.  Jesus still allows an innocent spouse to terminate a marriage for hardness of heart, and abuse clearly constitutes hardness of heart. Modern divorce in the United States is always accompanied by a written divorce decree which legally terminates the marriage, thereby complying with Mosaic Law and Jesus’ commands and allowing the parties to remarry if they choose. [3]

Modern day observant Jews still require a husband to give a wife a Jewish certificate of divorce, known as a get, to terminate the Jewish marriage covenant and allow the parties to remarry under Jewish law. This is true even if they have a civil divorce with a civil divorce decree. Refusing to give a wife a get is considered a form of abuse because the wife is unable to remarry and make her own decisions. The woman who is stuck in this position is called an agunah, literally, a chained woman. If an observant Jewish woman remarries without a get, her children are considered illegitimate for the next ten generations and excluded from an Orthodox Jewish community. But if the husband remarries, his children are not considered illegitimate. Some abusive husbands refuse to provide a get unless their wife agrees to give him full custody of the children, an excessive division of marital assets, money, or some other selfish and unreasonable demand. It is easy to see why Jesus condemned men who refused to give their wives a certificate of divorce. Rabbinical courts consider it a moral obligation to help an abused wife be freed from her husband and receive a get.[4]

God Does Not Put All Couples Together

Some Christians claim that Jesus’s teaching “What God has put together, let no man put asunder” (Matthew 19:7) forbids divorce. However, we must recognize that God does not put all couples together. If He did, there would be no need for divorce. Not everything that happens is God’s perfect will. Clearly, He will not override a person’s free will, even if that means a rejection of God Himself. Each one of us has chosen to sin against God’s will. If a woman of faith has entered into marriage with an evil man who abuses her, she either (1) was deceived by his love-bombing when he pretended to be Prince Charming; or (2) was somehow intimidated or coerced into marrying him; or (3) knew he did not put God first in his life and was in willful disobedience to God’s commands to only marry a Christ-follower. In any event, it was not God who put them together, but the Enemy.

Both the Old Testament and the New Testament tell us to not marry those who do not put God first. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14; see also Ezra 9:10–11).

Sometimes we must leave those whose hearts have turned against God and against us and trust that God will replace them with someone whose heart is aligned with God’s and aligned with ours. In the event you find yourself yoked to someone who is characterized by wickedness and darkness, God graciously allows divorce. We need not feel guilty about discovering a new partner whose heart is aligned with God’s heart – and our own.

Jesus Affirms Mosaic Law in the Sermon on the Mount

Many people cite Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount for the notion that divorce is never allowed except for adultery. However, this is a mistranslation of his sermon. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus was consistent with what he told the Pharisees in Matthew 19. Once again, Jesus makes the distinction between leaving a wife and sending her away versus giving her a written certificate of divorce that legally terminates the marriage. Jesus upholds Mosaic law and addresses divorce as follows, with the relevant original Greek root words in brackets:

It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces [apoluo] his wife must give her a certificate of divorce [apostasion].’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces [apoluo] his wife, except for sexual immorality [pornia], makes her the victim of adultery [moichea], and anyone who marries a divorced [apoluo] woman commits adultery [moichea]. Matthew 5:31-32 (NIV)

In other words, when correctly translated, Jesus correctly recites Deuteronomy 24:1 in that anyone who leaves his wife and sends her away must first give her a written certificate of divorce that legally terminates the marriage covenant. He goes a step further and condemns what had become a common practice of simply leaving a wife and sending her away without a written divorce certificate. Because she could not then legally remarry and had no way of supporting herself. And he recognizes the cruelty of a husband refusing to provide a legal written divorce certificate when he characterizes her as a “victim of adultery” if she remarries, since she has no choice but to remarry in order to support herself. Again, Jesus does not condemn the wife who is the innocent victim, but the husband who left her without providing a written certificate of divorce.

As he told the Pharisees in Matthew 19, if the basis for leaving a wife and sending her away is sexual immorality, then a divorce certificate is not required because the marriage covenant has already been legally terminated, and a remarriage would not constitute adultery.

Again, in modern times, a written divorce decree is part of every civil divorce, which allows both parties to remarry and complies with Mosaic Law and the teachings of Jesus. However, in observant Jewish communities, a get (a Jewish certificate of divorce) is still required.

Paul’s Teachings on Divorce

Many Christians cite Paul’s teachings as forbidding divorce except in cases of abandonment when a non-Christian spouse leaves. This is a misunderstanding of Paul’s teachings. In his letter to the church at Corinth, Paul states (with the original Greek root word in brackets), “And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing [suneudokeo] to live [oikos] with her, she must not divorce [aphieto] him.… But if the unbeliever [apistos] leaves [ chorizo], let it be so. The brother or sister is not bound [douloo] in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace [eirene].” (1 Corinthians 7:13, 15).

Paul allowed for divorce in cases where a spouse, because of his abuse, abandonment, or desertion, causes a separation. Paul used the Greek word suneudokeo, meaning in agreement with, consenting in a hearty way, being of one mind, enthusiastically agreeing to cooperate with a partner to reach solutions and achieve the things both have committed to do together. The Greek word oikos means to dwell comfortably together, as when God dwells in us. The Greek work aphieto means to send away, leave, or let go (without a certificate of divorce). Paul used the Greek word apistos, meaning a person who is not to be trusted and is without trust in God. The Greek word chorizo means to separate or divide, both physically and in terms of opinion or spirit. The Greek word eirene means harmony, security, safety, prosperity, and an exemption from rage and havoc. Finally, Paul used the Greek word douloo, meaning make a slave of, reduce to bondage, or give oneself wholly to another’s needs and service.[5]

In other words, Paul states that if a Christian is married to an unbeliever who, though not a Christ-follower, is of one mind with her, is in agreement with her, respects and loves her, and is wholeheartedly committed to cooperate in the marriage, raising godly children and living in peace and harmony with her, then divorce is not called for. Like Jesus, Paul upholds Mosaic law and, in essence, states one cannot leave a spouse without a certificate of divorce. However, Paul recognizes that sometimes a spouse rejects God and God’s commands to love the other spouse. He understands that in certain cases a spouse’s sin is so serious that it causes a deep division, resulting in rage and havoc and a lack of harmony, security, safety, prosperity, or financial security. In that case, the nonoffending spouse is then essentially treated as a slave in bondage to the offending spouse.

Paul is stating that if a sinful person has caused a division in the marriage relationship, such that there is no longer peace between the husband and wife, and there is instead a deep division, the nonoffending spouse is no longer obligated to be in bondage in a marriage to the offending spouse. The fault is not with the one who divorces. Rather, the fault is with the one who, because of his sins, causes the separation in the first place, resulting in the nonoffending party seeking to divorce. Paul assumes that an unbeliever causes the separation because a true Christ-follower who is filled with the Holy Spirit would repent, stop his sinful ways, and seek reconciliation.

Thus, whether a spouse claims to be a Christian or not, when his actions show that he has rejected God and caused a deep division with his spouse, she is not required to stay in an abusive marriage.

We cannot interpret this passage to mean that if an abusive person still wants to stay married, the spouse must stay in the abusive marriage. An abuser seldom wants a divorce. A toxic person likes being in power and control over his spouse and children, and he doesn’t want to part with what he perceives as his money. However, an abuser is unwilling to live in peace with his wife, cooperate, or do anything that would make a marriage work. Paul does not require us to stay in these toxic marriages, even if the abuser wants to stay married.

God Divorced Israel When She Worshipped Idols and Her Heart Turned Away from God

In the Old Testament, God set forth two covenants with Israel. The first was a unilateral covenant to send a Messiah. In a unilateral covenant, the party making the covenant is bound by the promises made in the covenant regardless of the actions of the other party. So, regardless of what Israel did, God committed to sending a Messiah.

The second was a bilateral covenant with Israel in which God would extend his blessings to Israel if and only if Israel kept God’s commandments and stayed faithful to Him.  In a bilateral covenant, one party is excused from keeping his or her promises if the other party breaches the covenant. If Israel did not keep its end of the covenant, God would withdraw His blessings.  Deuteronomy 28 – 30.  Throughout the Old Testament, the bilateral covenant with Israel was referred to as a marriage in which Israel was the wife and God was her husband. This bilateral covenant reflects our earthly marriage covenants between a human husband and wife.

After many years of God’s patience, God finally gave Israel a certificate of divorce for her continuing, unrepentant sin against Him, her hardness of heart, and her spiritual unfaithfulness. God withdrew His blessings and protection from Israel and allowed her to be captured by her enemies, Assyria and Babylon, for rejecting Him and following other gods.

This is what the Lord says:

Where is your mother’s divorce certificate
that I used to send her away?
Or to which of my creditors did I sell you?
Look, you were sold for your iniquities,
and your mother was sent away
because of your transgressions.  Isaiah 50:1 (CSB)

I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery. Jeremiah 3:8 (NIV)

God did not sin when He divorced Israel, because He is incapable of sin. But His divorce, which followed Mosaic law in providing a certificate of divorce and sending Israel away (resulting in God withdrawing his protection over Israel), acknowledged that the relationship had been severed by Israel because of its continuing, unrepentant, serious sin against Him. Because Israel’s heart had turned against God, He essentially called it spiritual adultery. Therefore, because Israel breached the bilateral covenant, God was released from his promise to bless and protect Israel.

God’s example stands for the notion that those who have been faithful to a spouse, but have suffered continuing, unrepentant, serious sin, may seek an official written divorce certificate to acknowledge the termination of the relationship.  A marriage is not a unilateral covenant in which one party must stay in the marriage regardless of the actions or abuse of the other party. Rather, marriage is a bilateral covenant in which both parties must fulfill their promises to the other; however, if one party breaches his or her promises, the other party is released from the covenant and may seek a divorce. We are free to remove ourselves, along with the blessings that we bring, from a husband who rejects us. We would be wise to follow God’s example.

God Commanded Divorce When the Israelites Married Evil People

In the book of Ezra, God’s people had married pagans when the remnant had returned to Israel from captivity in Babylon. The Israelites violated God’s specific commands to refrain from marrying those who did not worship Him. God knew that marrying those who did not serve Him would eventually keep His people from becoming all God designed them to be and would draw them away from Him. In fact, that is precisely what had happened to the Israelites in the Old Testament before they were conquered and captured by the Babylonians. Because they had turned away from God, God withdrew His protective hand and allowed the Israelites to be conquered by the Assyrians and Babylonians. Thus, when the Israelites returned to Israel from Babylon during Ezra’s time, after seventy years in captivity, God gave them specific instructions to not repeat their mistakes. When more than 100 men ignored God’s command and married pagans anyway, God ordered them, through Ezra, to separate from their spouses. The relevant Hebrew root word is in brackets:

Then Ezra the priest stood and said to them: “You have committed a terrible sin. By marrying pagan women, you have increased Israel’s guilt. So now confess your sin to the Lord, the God of your ancestors, and do what he demands. Separate [badal] yourselves from the people of the land and from these pagan women.” (Ezra 10:10–11 NLT)

The Hebrew word badal means to separate from, set apart, or be excluded from. In this case, God did not require a written certificate of divorce, presumably because the pagan wives did not follow Mosaic law and did not need the divorce certificate to remarry. In addition, God may not have even recognized the marriages to pagans as true marriages, since they violated His explicit command not to marry pagans.

Before we think that God was being harsh, it is important to know that pagans of that day practiced horrible, evil practices, such as child sacrifice, prostitution, sexual infidelity and deviancy, and idol worship. They rejected God and His good laws. God does not order people to sin, and He is incapable of sin Himself. Therefore, divorce or separation under these circumstances is not a sin. Rather, God ordered the separation as a remedy for (1) the sin of being unfaithful to God, that is, disobeying His commandment to not marry those who reject Him; (2) the sins committed by the pagan women they married, which would eventually destroy God’s people; and (3) the protection of his people.

Like the pagans of old, modern-day abusers have a lifestyle of evil practices: Their children are sacrificed at the feet of their extreme selfishness and are not brought up in the Lord. They are sexually unfaithful and practice pornography and sexual deviancy. They worship the things of this world, rather than God. And they utterly reject God and His commandments, especially His commandments to love others. If you are a woman of God who is married to a man who rejects God and makes a practice of abuse, please know that divorce for self-protection and the protection of your children is not a sin. Rather, it is the remedy God commands when we marry a man who rejects Him and abuses His family.

Scriptures that Command Us to Flee from Evil and Danger

Scripture has many references to separating ourselves from evil (and abusers are evil) and those who profess to be believers but persist in serious, unrepentant sin.

In 2 Timothy 3:1-5, Paul provides a perfect description of abusers who profess to be Christians: “There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—  having a form of godliness but denying its power.”  Paul tells Christians to “have nothing to do with them.” (v.5) (See also 1 Corinthians 5 and Matthew 18 for instructions to Christians to remove people intent on sinning from their lives and their congregation.) Paul also tells Christians, after two warnings, to have nothing to do with people who cause division and conflict.  (Titus 3:10-11).

Paul’s instructions make no exceptions for wives.  Such an instruction would be against the very nature of God, who has compassion on the weak and powerless (Proverbs 31:8-9), who came to destroy the works of Satan (1 John 3:8) and give us an abundant life, unlike the nature of Satan and his minions (including abusers), who have come to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).

Many references in the Bible command us to flee from evil and danger.  (e.g. Proverbs 22:3; Prov 22:10).   In numerous Psalms, David flees from his oppressors and prays for the Lord’s deliverance from his enemies. (Psalm 28, 35, 36, 37, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 69, 71, 73, 120, 140, 141). The Lord’s prayer asks God to “deliver us from evil.” (Matthew 6:9-13).  Jesus commands, “When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another.” (Matthew 10:23). Taking refuge and fleeing from the danger and evil of domestic abuse is Scriptural.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul recognizes the incredible damage that abusers inflict and warns Christians against being married to an unbeliever and those who are wicked:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.  For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common?  Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial [i.e. Satan]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.  As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”  Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. . .” 2 Cor. 6:14-17.

Paul uses the Greek root word apistos for the unbeliever, meaning someone who is untrustworthy, rejects God, or refuses God’s spiritual awakening.  He uses the Greek root word aphorizo for separate, meaning to sever, exclude, and set a boundary. He uses the Greek root word exerchomai for come out, meaning escape or get out. Paul recognizes that abusers are predators who prey on kind, giving, and forgiving Christian women, who should not be married to them in the first place. In His graciousness, God recognizes that Christian women who find themselves married to an abuser need to escape from their abusers and sever that relationship.

Advice for Normal Marriages is Not Applicable to Abusive Marriages

The majority of the Bible’s direction for marriage is much like most Christian marriage books now on the market.  Most of the Bible’s instructions on marriage, like most Christian marriage books, are directed toward normal, Christian people who have the Holy Spirit in them, who are committed to the good of their spouse and the good of their family, and who experience the normal ups and downs of marriage.  They are full of advice for generally decent, good-hearted people who seek after God.  They don’t recommend divorce.  They recommend kindness, faithfulness, turning one’s heart towards their spouse, protection, and unity of spirit that comes with a Christian marriage and two hearts who are filled with the Holy Spirit.

But most of the Bible’s instructions on marriage, just like most Christian marriage books, are not applicable towards women living with someone who is intentionally destroying her, who has no repentance, and who is controlled by Satan and his own selfish desires (regardless of whether he sits in a church pew.)  For those situations, the Bible warns us to flee from evil and separate ourselves from evil people, and books which are specially written to address abusive relationships tell us the same thing.

God’s heart is for us to have joy-filled, mutually fulfilling, loving, peaceful, abundant relationships and marriages. Fortunately, He provides a way out for those who find themselves in toxic marriages. When we look at the original text in the original context, we see His heart for His daughters.[6]

Encouragement for God’s Daughters

Beloved Daughter of God, Christian women stay in abusive relationships far longer than women who have no religious faith. They do so mainly because they do not want to disappoint their heavenly Father. If you are in an abusive marriage or feel guilty for leaving an abusive marriage, please hear this: God doesn’t want you in an abusive marriage any more than you would want your daughter or son in an abusive marriage. He loves you far too much. Your husband took a vow to love, honor, and cherish you. If your husband has rejected God, rejected you, and broken his vows, please know that God does not require you to be in bondage to him. God is with you. God is for you. God values you far more than an institution called marriage. An abusive marriage is not a marriage at all; it is bondage. God loves you, and He gives you permission to leave without guilt and without shame.

In truth and love,

Charlene Quint

[1] “Hard Hearts and Divorce,” Tabletalk, August 13, 2008,https://www.ligonier.org/learn/devotionals/hardhearts-and-divorce.

[2] All Hebrew and Greek references and definitions are from the Blue Letter Bible, including Strong’s Definitions and Thayer’s Greek Lexicon at https://biblehub.com or https://www.blueletterbible.org .

[3] See also B. Roberts, Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion, pp. 79-88, Maschil Press 2008.

[4] See https://www.womenslaw.org/laws/religious/jewish-get-law-divorce-law/what-do-i-do-if-my-husband-away-or-wont-give-me-get.

[5] Greek references and definitions and be found in the Blue Letter Bible, including Strong’s Definitions and Thayer’s Greek Lexicon at https://www.blueletterbible.org and BibleHub at https://biblehub.com.

[6] For further discussion on biblical divorce in cases of abuse, see Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion by Barbara Roberts (Maschil Press, 2008) and https://www.restored-uk.org/?s=domestic+abuse+divorce. Also see these blogs: Not Under Bondage, https://notunderbondage.com and Grace for my Heart, https://graceformyheart.wordpress.com.